When Stone Cold Steve Austin was first rumored to be having one final match at WrestleMania 38, the world of wrestling let out a collective groan.
Why would somebody who had as perfect a send off as any wrestler could wish for (against the Rock at WrestleMania XIX) risk tarnishing their legacy for a cheap nostalgia pop?
But then we found out that he’d be facing consummate WWE workhorse Kevin Owens, in the main event of the show’s first night (the gentleman’s main event), and our collective ears perked up as we began to wonder “wait a minute… is this going to rule?”
And rule it did! Sure, Stone Cold was a little slower than he used to be, and he didn’t so much stomp a mudhole in Owens as he did stomp a mudhole in the area ten inches above Owens, but it was still cool as hell.
Between that successful return, the current rumors of a long-overdue Rock comeback at next year’s Rumble, it got us thinking: who else could potentially make their way back to the WWE squared circle for one last go-around?
And more importantly, who would they face when they got there?
Kurt Angle and Gable Steveson vs Chad Gable and Otis
Writing about wrestling for a living is great, because every now and then you get to say something like “I think Kurt Angle should come out of retirement for a match that involves Otis from Heavy Machinery”, and there’s nothing anybody can do to stop you.
Angle recently returned to WWE Raw, where he teamed up with fellow Olympian Gable Steveson to administer an Attitude Era-style milk bath to other fellow Olympian Chad Gable, and definitely not-Olympian Otis (unless the Olympics suddenly added a “world’s chillest dude” competition that I haven’t heard about).
Angle himself has also dropped a few hints regarding a potential comeback, even saying specifically that a tag team match would be the perfect venue for a return (presumably so Angle doesn’t feel pressured to pull out an Olympic-Slam-off-a-ladder spot out of a sheer sense of duty).
This matchup would also have the added benefits of putting over relatively new signing Steveson, while also giving us that Gable vs Angle face off fans have been clamoring for since that whole illegitimate son thing (sorry Jason Jordan).
The fact that Angle was retired by Baron Corbin has been a sticking point for fans since it happened at WrestleMania 35, so this would also be a great opportunity to right that wrong (sorry Corbin).
Speaking of Corbin…
JBL and Baron Corbin vs Dominik and Rey Mysterio
In 2009, JBL wrestled his final singles match against Rey Mysterio for the Intercontinental Championship at WrestleMania 25.
JBL, the champion going into the match, lost in 21 seconds before screaming “I quit” into a microphone and storming off into the back.
It was hilarious.
JBL mostly floats around in commentary and commentary-adjacent roles appearing on pre-shows to say borderline stuff with Jerry Lawler and Booker T, but more recently has appeared as Baron Corbin’s manager on WWE Raw.
It’s a match made in wrestling Hell, as the two duet on “your sports team is bad” promos before beating up the IWC’s flippy faves.
I’d love to see JBL put his money where his mouth is for once, by teaming up with his protege to take on the man who retired him all those years ago (and his Hot Topic manager-looking offspring).
You don’t even have to turn Dom face to do this, either. Just have Corbin and JBL antagonize the Mysterios to the point that Papi and son both agree that they simply must kick the duo’s asses.
After all, if there are two guys who can get people to put their differences aside out of pure mutual loathing, it’s Baron Corbin and JBL
The Undertaker vs Bray Wyatt
The Undertaker is old school to a fault, so it wouldn’t be that surprising if he wasn’t satisfied with his WrestleMania 36 match being his last ever, considering a) he didn’t lose, as is traditional for wrestling veterans on their way out the door, and b) it wasn’t so much a match as it was the sci fi original movie of my dreams.
People will balk at the idea of an Undertaker return, but to be honest when you’ve been in the business as long as he has you kind of get to do whatever you feel like (except bleed on camera or start an Onlyfans).
Wyatt would be the perfect foil for an Undertaker retirement match, not only because their gimmicks compliment each other so well, but because 90% of Wyatt’s appeal takes place outside of the ring.
The quality of the match itself won’t really matter, so much as the weird and ominous promos leading up to it.
Just to be clear, I’m well aware that we already got this feud at WrestleMania 31, but the fact is that Wyatt changes his persona up so often that each feud has the potential to feel brand new.
I’m tempted to say that the two should just go all the way and have a Firefly Funhouse match, and while that would be the best option, I don’t want to leave Undertaker any room to say “yeah it was okay, but did it really count as a ‘final match’?”
Beth Phoenix vs Rhea Ripley
This is a feud that has been teased a few times, when Phoenix seemed posed to be a leveling influence in Edge’s feud with the Judgement Day a few months back.
While that match never really came off, it did leave a bit of a “what if?” hanging in the air that has yet to be resolved.
It’s a shame, because in a post-Chyna and Bull Nakano world, this is probably the closest the current women’s division will get to booking something like Brock Lesnar vs Gunther.
Two women known for their stature (both physical and reputational), their take-no-bulls**t characters, and their ability to scare me more than a thousand Minoru Suzukis make this an easy feud to book.
Remember when Seth Rollins got involved in that feud earlier this year because somebody squirted mustard on his shirt?
You can just do that. Have Rhea cut in line in front of Beth. Have Phoenix say she thinks Ripley’s Spotify Wrapped makes her sound “basic”.
It doesn’t matter. Just get them in the ring together and let them run wild.
Shawn Michaels vs Seth Rollins
Look, I get it; last time Shawn Michaels came out of retirement it did not go well. Kane’s mask fell off and Undertaker somehow managed to Irish whip himself at one point. It was a match that didn’t need to happen, shouldn’t have happened, and most of us spend a lot of time pretending never happened.
But isn’t that kind of a good reason to let Michaels have one more go-around? To stop the Crown Jewel 2018 match from being his last ever? So we can all stop collectively gaslighting each other into believing it never took place?
Everything else aside, Seth Rollins is a much safer pair of hands for Michaels to have a match with than three of his fellow retirees, and has a much better shot of carrying HBK to something like a decent showing.
Not to mention the fact that the two already sort of lend themselves to a feud, with Rollins being the first ever NXT Champion and Michaels currently running the white and gold brand.
It’s not the strongest basis for a story, but it’s a hell of a lot better than “this spoiled prince wants to see things he remembers from the 90s and is rich enough to make it happen.”
More than anything, I want to see Rollins mock Michaels in his entrance the way he did Roman Reigns at the 2022 Rumble, and Cody at Hell In A Cell.
Sethy Drip Drip ziplining from the ceiling à la Michaels’ entrance at WrestleMania XII would be a sight to behold, and make the whole thing worth it even if the match does end up sucking.
Trish Stratus vs Becky Lynch
Every now and then one of these two will tease a feud on Twitter, and then I’ll get excited for it, and then nothing will come of it, and then I’ll get sad.
Trish already had a great retirement match against Charlotte Flair at SummerSlam 2019, and if I’m being honest that was probably the better all-around send-off in terms of style and character (plus they’re both blonde, and 90% of dream matches are based on the fact that two wrestlers look vaguely similar).
But in terms of contributions to women’s wrestling, Becky and Trish are much closer in the extent to which they helped shape their respective generations’ divisions.
There’s also the simple fact that, because WWE has tended to fail its women in the past, there actually aren’t that many female “legends” as compared to the men’s division.
Because of that, it’s good to have as many of those dream matches now while they’re still feasible, if only to pay tribute to the history of a division that has too often been overlooked and disrespected.
Plus whenever Becky’s in a feud she tends to tweet a lot, and her tweets are pretty funny, so there’s that to look forward to as well.
Rikishi and the Usos vs Imperium
Don’t give me that look, I said what I said.
Look, at the end of the day what I really want to see is Rikishi team up with his baby boys and it doesn’t really matter who they go up against.
I settled on Imperium for two reasons.
Number one, Gunther struggles against big, beefy boys (in kayfabe), and Rikishi is the biggest, beefiest boy of them all.
And two, I could see Imperium starting a feud with Rikishi because his hip hop dancing and butt-centric moveset disrespect the sanctity of the mat, and that makes me laugh.
Whatever the reason, the real story of this match is seeing Make A Difference Fatu be proud of his boys as they engage in some kick-based violence (and getting to see the look on Gunther’s face as Rikishi repeatedly tries – but never quite manages – to stinkface him).
CM Punk vs Roman Reigns
If you thought some of these entries were far-fetched, please allow me to introduce you to my “never going to happen” opus.
Regardless of anything else, we still don’t even really know what Punk’s contract status with AEW is; he might show up on the next episode of Dynamite like nothing happened and start feuding with Brandon Cutler.
But in the scenario where he’s on his way back to free agency and WWE is even remotely interested, here’s the pitch:
A one-off match to round out his career, in the company that made him famous, against the guy who represents everything that made him quit in the first place.
A one-off match means that Punk doesn’t have to worry about being tied down, and WWE doesn’t have to worry about introducing a toxic element into its locker room (not to mention that big fat payday for all parties involved).
Plus (if they time it right), by going up against Roman, Punk could finally have that WrestleMania main event he’s always wanted (on night one, of course; night two is reserved for the John Cena/Rock/Otis triple threat).
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