Hello everyone, come in, take a seat, now I’m pretty sure all of you know the drill by know, but for those who like to skip class, I’m your supply teacher Mr. Blampied, and while your normal teachers Oli, Laurie and Pete are absent today, I’m going to be taking over to run through some of the smaller, weirder and sillier stories that didn’t quite make in into the main news this week.
Now I know some of you like to mess with substitute teachers but listen up you little freaks! The fun stops here. You’re going to shut your stinking traps and behave damn it! This is one substitute teacher you’re not gonna SCREW WITH!
I’m Marge Simpson and these are the 10 new stories from the week you might have missed.
10. CM Punk Retired From MMA
Today is the day we see CM Punk return to wrestling after seven years, and lots of people are excited about it.
However, this isn’t the first sporting competition Punk has been involved in since he left WWE in 2014, as he briefly competed in MMA. With mixed results. And by mixed I mean oh no.
MMAWrestling.com is now reporting that Punk has officially informed UFC that he has retired from MMA, so he could be taken out of their anti-doping programme.
But hey he’ll retire with an official record of 0-1 which isn’t as bad as 0-2, mathematically anyway, as one of his losses was turned into a no-contest after his opponent Mike Jackson tested positive for marijuana. A benefit of Punk being straightedge I suppose. And sticking with The Lad.
9. CM Punk Thinks He Would Have Died In WWE
In the lead up to Punk’s debut on AEW Rampage a couple weeks ago, WWE began posting various videos on their YouTube channel and their socials of CM Punk matches, which led to many people speculating…wait what if Punk’s actually going back to WWE and not going to AEW at all and this is all one elaborate ruse?
Punk revealed on the Angi Taylor Show that returning to WWE ‘was never on the table’. Y’know, after being fired on his wedding day and after his love of wrestling was eroded away from years of Vince and his family pissing on it.
Punk went one further on Busted Open Radio, where he said that if he had stayed in WWE, he thinks he would have died.
He would have just kept going until he couldn’t go anymore, and he said he reached a bottom line, and had to get out of there otherwise he wouldn’t be here today. GTS stands for Get To Safety.
8. Nobody Knows What’s Going To Happen To NXT
One of the big news stories circulating is the upcoming and really, really, really unanticipated rebranding of NXT with it’s Art Attack new logo and the news that a certain former ECW Champion was going to be running the thing.
But aside from the fresh coat of paint, nobody really knows what’s going to happen with NXT, as there have been conflicting reports about its taping schedule, who will actually be running it or not, and what sort of talent they’re looking for on the show.
And according to Fightful Select, that’s entirely by design, as WWE are being ‘tight-lipped’ about what’s going to happen with the former black and gold brand, with even top stars on NXT being kept in the dark about what the future holds for them and the show. That’s not at all terrifying now is it?
7. NXT Gets Trending On Twitter For The Wrong Reasons
Since NXT began in its current form, not the reality show version, fans have essentially had one request: don’t let Vince McMahon near it.
So fans were fairly outraged when reports broke earlier this week that the new NXT would be helmed by Bruce Prichard and big Vinny Mac himself, with both ‘Triple H’ and ‘RIP NXT’ trending on Twitter, which is both horrible and hilarious in equal measure.
But it’s all social media engagement right? All publicity is good publicity. Why is that trending now popping up in the corner in the little white and blue box?
6. Not Queen Of The Ring
It’s been reported for a couple of months now that WWE were looking to debut a women’s version of the King of the Ring tournament, which everyone assumed would be called the Queen of the Ring, hello Alex, because y’know, it just makes sense right?
With the final of the tournament supposedly taking place in Saudi Arabia, which is up there in terms of unsuitability as a boat show taking place on the goddamn moon, it at least seems we might now have a name for the tournament, and it’s not Queen of the Ring, hello Alex, for some reason.
WWE has filed to trademark “Queen’s Crown Tournament”, which is just…Queen of the Ring, hello Alex, but also worse.
Tuwaiq Trophy, Best in the World Tournament, Crown Jewel, Greatest Royal Rumble, Super Showdown, and now Queen’s Crown Tournament…the Saudi shows sure do have some terrible naming don’t they?
5. Braun Strowman To Impact Wrestling?
Couldn’t get through a wrestling news video in 2021 without mentioning WWE releases at least once could we?
Braun Strowman was released by WWE on June 2, which means his 90-day non-compete clause is now up, alongside the others that were released on that day such as Buddy Murphy, Ruby Riott and Lana.
But not Malakai Black, because WWE messed up his non-compete and only had it at 30 days, which is STILL FUNNY.
According to Dave Meltzer in the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, there was interest from IMPACT Wrestling in both Buddy Murphy, now going by Buddy Matthews, and Braun Strowman. And reacting to the news, Strowman took to Twitter to say:
“Remember in life if you’re gonna do something make sure you make a impact. Carve your name in stone!!! #Titan”
First of all, saying out loud ‘a impact’ rather than ‘an impact’ makes my skin crawl off my body and escape down a storm drain.
Second, he said Impact! He said the thing! Also, people have speculated that Titan could be his new ring name, and you know…yeah… yeah I could see it.
4. Wabba Doo, Featuring Eminem
We’re going to end this video with a quartet of very silly stories, starting with John Cena saying in an interview with Esquire that he wants Eminem to write a new verse over his WWE theme music.
There’s not much more to this story, it’s just…a bit weird isn’t it. “So, Slim, if you’re down to write some bars, borrow the track. It is a catchy tune. Wabudoo. I don’t know, think about it. Mull it over, get back to me. Or don’t get back to me, whateverbudoo.”
Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain’t calling.
3. Cal Bloom’s New Name
Oh no. Sorry, Cal Bloom. WWE has a track record of renaming promising talent with less than ideal names, hello Lucky Cannon, Viking Experience, Chilly McFreeze, Dean Ambrose, and a whole host of others.
But in recent years WWE has allowed a lot of incoming talent to keep the name they used in other promotions, like Adam Cole, Samoa Joe and Ricochet.
Well, it seems their patience has run out because now we’re getting new names like the one that Cal Bloom in the Performance Center has been saddled with: Von Wagner. Just gonna let that hang. Von Wagner.
Nothing says WrestleMania main eventer like Von Wagner. He’s doomed to fail, sorry Cal Bloom.
2. Omos Made An O-Mess
Do you remember the tallest man you’ve ever seen? I do, it’s Omos. I’m told so every Monday on Raw. But as we’ve seen with The Big Show, it’s always, unequivocally, incontrovertible great television any time a big man gets emasculated, right?
Well, Omos got a little bit embarrassed in the Performance Center, as he revealed on Rasslin with Brandon F Walker.
WWE had what they call ‘PC Lives’, and just before WrestleMania 35, they held one of these PC Lives, and because it was right around Mania, a lot of WWE legends were present, such as Undertaker and Batista.
The talent were informed to bring dress attire, and by his own admission, Omos likes his dress pants skinny. Then they got told to do rehearsals and hop over the top rope, so he did. Once, twice, three times, and on the fourth time, his dress pants ripped.
As he said on the show, he was in front of Undertaker, Batista and Triple H, and his butt was hanging out. His words, not mine.
1. The Rock-elganger
And finally, today, look at this man that looks exactly like The Rock. That’s it, that’s the whole story.
Look. Look how much he looks like The Rock. That’s Dwayne The Cop Johnson. The Brahma Pig. Can you smell what the rock is bacon?
Dwayne acknowledged it on Twitter, because yeah of course he did, he looks exactly like him. Look, it’s been a sad week all things considered, it’s nice to end on a weird little bit of color in an otherwise uncompromisingly grey world.
This man looks like the rock. That’s it.
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