We thought we had moved on. That it was once again safe to check social media. Monday had past, and the memories of what had been an objectively horrendous Raw were quickly fading. And then…
Can’t wait for Lacy vs Charlotte rematch. #raw
— Miro (@ToBeMiro) June 4, 2019
Never change, Rusev. Never change.
Setting aside what we did get from the red brand Monday night though, the story of WWE has very much instead been about what we haven’t seen. Raw in particular has made numerous pledges to the fans that it either didn’t deliver, or never intended to deliver in the first place.
This bad habit started immediately after WrestleMania, where the entire post-Mania show centred around a title unification match between Seth Rollins and Kofi Kingston. The whole night was spent hyping up that clash, with the promise that one of the men involved would be leaving as both the WWE and Universal Champion.
Of course, we know that never happened. The Bar got involved and the main event was converted into a disappointing tag match. The simple truth is that WWE never intended to give us the heavily teased one-on-one bout. Like any good snake oil salesman, they were trying to sell us a miracle product designed to cure all ailments… and then we found out that in reality it was just a jar of Usey-Hot.
But the misleading marketing didn’t stop there. Recent weeks have held the promise of McMahon family sanctions, cross-promotion debuts and repeated assurances of Brock title cash-ins. None have come to pass, yet that hasn’t stopped WWE from claiming: “it will happen next week. Next week will be better.”
https://www.instagram.com/p/ByS6IkRHoxq/
Normally I wouldn’t care about these sorts of carny tactics. Wrestling is all about sleight of hand, smoke and mirrors. Some of the biggest pleasures as a fan come when you expect one result, only to have the rug pulled out from under you. But it’s different when you’re advertising a match or event that you have no intention of following through on. That sort of deception is openly dishonest. You’re lying to your fanbase in an effort to manipulate them, to get them to tune into a product you know will not live up to expectations.
It’s not just a fraud, it’s a sign of desperation. One that makes WWE look like even bigger chumps every time they do it.
Fortunately, SmackDown appears to have been largely spared this type of misleading marketing. Last night’s show promised an appearance by Goldberg, Bayley being interviewed on A Moment of Bliss, and Lars Sullivan’s first words. And while not all of it was good, you know what? At least we got it. And that already puts the blue brand on steadier footing that its sister show.
Let’s get to the review.
The Best of SmackDown Live
Kingston the Conquering Hero
The night started as many a SmackDown has in recent times: with Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods and enough pancakes to give an entire arena diabetes.
There was a distinct feel-good vibe around proceedings as well, as Kofi recounted his recent trip to his birthplace of Ghana. He was beaming as he retold stories of seeing relatives for the first time in 25 years, and teared up at the memory of inspiring the young children he met.
It was all a very sincere moment, mostly because it was delivered by Kofi and not the usual corporate suits. Kingston seemed to genuinely connect with the audience on his trip.
https://www.instagram.com/p/ByTrEK4BBSk/
A New Women’s Challenger
Alexa, Charlotte and Carmella faced off in a triple threat with a future shot at Bayley’s SmackDown Women’s Title on the line. I wonder if it’ll be at Super ShowDown. WWE – the forefront of change!
Bad jokes aside, I did actually enjoy this match for a number of reasons. First off, it was a relief to see Alexa Bliss return to the ring. Despite her character shortcomings, I’d hate to see injuries cut her career short. We’ve seen that happen too often in recent years.
Second, these women put on one hell of a contest. They brawled in the ring, they brawled around the ring, they brawled up the ramp. Each competitor looked like they may win at different points. The highlight of the bout came when Charlotte had Carmella in the Figure-8 and Alexa Bliss hit the Twisted Bliss off the top rope, only for ‘Mella to break up the ensuing pin attempt. You could see it coming a mile away, but it nevertheless looked spectacular.
The contest ended when Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville, who had made their way to ringside after the bout got underway, tripped up Carmella. This gave Bliss the opportunity to land the DDT on her distracted opponent to pick up the 1-2-3. I could’ve done without the unmotivated interference, but it didn’t really detract from an excellent match.
And so Alexa Bliss is now the number one contender to the SmackDown Women’s Championship. Somewhere, whatever’s left of the brand split is in a dumpster, burning.
Gold-berg! Gold-berg!
Despite my better instincts (and the last five-plus years of evidence), I can’t help but get excited when I hear Goldberg’s music. It’s a primal reaction, much like the nature of the man himself.
Once in the ring, Goldberg played off of Undertaker’s message from the night before fairly well. He assured ‘the Deadman’ that he would be getting the absolute best that he had to offer. And that come Super ShowDown, Undertaker would be next… to rest in peace!
And then the dong struck.
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The lights went out and when they came back on, Undertaker was looming behind Goldberg. The pair engaged in a tense standoff for a few seconds, before the dong sounded again and the lights went out.
When they returned, Undertaker was nowhere to be seen. Goldberg chuckled to himself (in that loud, hearty way that only a man of Goldberg’s size can pull off), and he told the ‘Deadman’ that he’d see him Friday. This was about as good as one could hope for from a makeshift feud between two part-time legends. I enjoyed it.
The Worst of SmackDown Live
The Worst Good Video Packages
Normally not one to miss a chance to praise WWE’s video editing department, even I’m surprised by this criticism. Dolph stood on the ramp and introduced a career highlights package to hype up his looming challenge to Kofi Kingston’s title. Except here’s the rub: looking back at the last decade of Dolph’s failed pushes does nothing to elicit excitement ahead of the pair’s showdown this Friday. Is replaying Ziggler’s successful Money in the Bank cash-in from 2013 meant to get the pulse racing for a match in 2019? Unless it was a very delicate way of reminding us that Big E was in Dolph’s corner on that night… setting up a possible turn from the big man? Oh who am I kidding, that has nothing to do with anything.
"What about ME? What about all the championships I'VE won?" – @HEELZiggler #SDLive pic.twitter.com/7dzyHSoqHw
— WWE (@WWE) June 5, 2019
Also, Dolph seemingly relied on this compilation to persist in his weird refrain that “it should have been him” instead of Kofi who was given the opportunities leading to the New Day member’s unlikely championship victory at WrestleMania. As great as that is as a soundbite, it still makes absolutely no sense. Dolph wasn’t even actively wrestling to start the year. Hell, at the time he took his WWE hiatus, he was on Raw! So how did Kofi, a SmackDown star, rob him of any opportunities?
Finally, almost as soon as Dolph’s clip was done playing, Kofi introduced his own, reflecting on Ziggler surrendering the US Title in 2017. Then, for no apparent reason whatsoever, we got a THIRD video package recapping Dolph’s attack on Kofi from two weeks ago.
This was the laziest way to round out a feud heading into a pay-per-view. It reminded me of that one kid who couldn’t be bothered to complete his school project, so he simply printed out an entire Wikipedia page. (Also, that kid was me.)
It’s a Tag Match, Playa!
Bringing a jarring end to this disappointing (and largely irrelevant) trip down memory lane was Kevin Owens’ entrance music. He was accompanied by Sami Zayn, meaning that we got ourselves a tag team match for some reason. Holla Holla! Nothing gets explained!
🦄🦄🦄 STAMPEDE!!! #SDLive @XavierWoodsPhD @TrueKofi pic.twitter.com/9s3Gs3y1jp
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) June 5, 2019
This was a fun bout – because of course a match between New Day and KO & Zayn would be – but it presented an end to one of the more compelling mysteries coming out of last week’s episode. After last Tuesday’s SmackDown, I was intrigued to find out who really attacked Big E two weeks ago. After all, Kevin Owens had strongly denied culpability. And no one had actually witnessed the attack, which happened off-screen.
Well, throughout this match the commentary team entirely dispelled any potential ambiguity, repeatedly saying that KO was indeed the one responsible for the assault. So I guess it was him then. So much for subtlety and nuance.
At least we’ll always have the mystery of who strung up Sami Zayn at Money in the Bank. Because there’s no way that mystery’s ever being revisited. Rikishi got away with another one.
I Guess Alexa Bliss is a Heel Again
Precisely one night after I reluctantly announced that Alexa was a babyface (because nothing’s official until it’s review official), the ‘Goddess’ was unquestionably a heel on SmackDown. She was delusional, arrogant and self-serving. Much like WWE’s writing staff! Zing!
"Did you know that I held the #SDLive #WomensTitle 2x?… it's kinda like when I was #SDLive #WomensChampion the title MEANT something!" @AlexaBliss_WWE with the SHADE! @itsBayleyWWE pic.twitter.com/ArlDyLrAKz
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) June 5, 2019
It’s frankly insulting that WWE still persists in the belief that Raw and SmackDown have entirely distinct audiences and that the people who watch the one won’t keep track of what’s happening on the other.
So seeing Bliss openly run down the blue brand as being the “B-Show”, antagonise Bayley and just be a general obnoxious host during A Moment of Bliss was worse than irritating. It was insulting and infuriating.
At least she’s still doing the coffee gimmick, so that’s… swell. I guess. I hate everything.
Anyway, Carmella came to the aid of Bayley, soon followed by ‘Shoe-Horn Charlotte’. She really can’t help but involve herself in everyone’s storylines, can she? Regardless, just like that, we had all the ingredients for a triple threat to decide Bayley’s next title challenger. And they were conveniently all dressed to compete. Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyy! (I was actually quite looking forward to the match.)
TONIGHT: @MsCharlotte vs. @CarmellaWWE vs. @AlexaBliss_WWE! The winner will face @itsBayleyWWE for the #SDLive #WomensTitle at #WWEStompingGrounds! pic.twitter.com/hdo71DqCIV
— WWE (@WWE) June 5, 2019
The 24/7 Silliness
Elias beat R-Truth in 30 seconds in a lumberjack match to win the 24/7 Title. The very well-behaved lumberjacks patiently waited for the bell to ring before they pounced on Elias, looking to possibly claim the title for themselves.
Somehow during this melee however, Elias was able to escape and crawl around ringside. Here, he came face-to-face with R-Truth, who chased him (accompanied by a referee) under the ring. Seconds later, the bell rang and R-Truth emerged with the belt.
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The most notable part of this entire atrocity of a segment? One, Jack Gallagher was rather depressingly lumped in with this collection of SmackDown dorks. And two, Tom Phillips was almost apoplectic at the prospect of R-Truth pinning someone under the ring. While he was yelling about how that travesty occurred, I was yelling “you’re the face commentator, Phillips! You’re supposed to back the good guy!” WWE’s main roster commentary is the worst.
A Gloomy Man in a Gloomy Room
Aleister Black once again sat in a dark room waiting for someone to come find him. Most surprising was that the door to this room apparently has his name printed on it. Really? It looks like a broom closet, my guy. It doesn’t even have a working light fixture it, I seriously doubt someone’s taken the trouble to print out a label.
At this point he just reminds me of an old man yelling at a cloud. And I hate it, because Aleister Black – like so many of WWE’s talent – deserves better.
Raw Lite – Shane and the ‘Big Dog’
Shane McMahon – this time flanked by Drew McIntyre and The Revival – again appeared in the ring to antagonise Roman Reigns. When the ‘Big Dog’ finally emerged, he quickly dispatched of the Revival before running headfirst into a Claymore from McIntyre. After a little more softening up, Shane delivered a spear to Reigns and mocked his celebrations.
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This was almost identical to the segment we saw on Raw, save that on Monday the beatdown was preceded by a six-man tag. I wasn’t particularly interested in this feud heading into this week’s TV, and seeing Roman get beaten up by Shane’s rag-tag group of henchmen two nights in a row hasn’t done anything to change that.
Sullivan Speaks
Kayla Braxton finally conducted her long-anticipated interview with Lars Sullivan.
I wish she hadn’t.
My reservations around this advertised interview stemmed from the fact that monsters very rarely remain scary after they talk. Think of all the iconic horror characters throughout history. How many of them retain their terror after comparing themselves to nightingales and lions, or recite a nursery rhyme about scurrying rats?
Because that’s what Sullivan did in a long monologue, in which he revealed his trauma at being called the ‘Freak’ and promised to vivisect Lucha House Party this Friday.
"My primary function is to hurt, dissect and dehumanize people… The world is full of pain, agony and a real life FREAK OF NATURE like me!" – @LarsSWWE #SDLive pic.twitter.com/yFlOhA4ipY
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) June 5, 2019
The angle could perhaps still have been saved had it not been for Byron Saxton undercutting the entire tone. As the interview ended, the tenured announcer decided it was a good time to snap into advertiser mode. Five seconds after Sullivan was done talking about disembowelling three Mexicans, Saxton gleefully told us not to miss Goldberg’s appearance later in the night.
Byron, if you can’t be bothered with any of this, mate…
Where’s the Wrestling?
There were only three matches on this week’s SmackDown Live. And even that’s being generous because one of them barely went thirty seconds. I understand that this was a go-home show for a pay-per-view featuring more part-timers than a Hall of Fame induction ceremony, but this is ridiculous. Cut out a few of the awful promos and give us some more actual wrestling.
Overall Rating for the Show (From best to worst: SmackDamn, SmackTastic, Smack Bang in the Middle, SmackDowner and A Smack in the Face)
Wow.
That’s really the only word that came to mind as the screen faded to black on another edition of SmackDown Live.
It’s rare for SmackDown to let me down in the same way that Raw so often does. By virtue of shaving an hour off its runtime, the blue brand usually feels so much tighter. Free from a lot of the unnecessary fluff that’s come to characterise Monday nights.
But that just wasn’t the case last night. This week, SmackDown felt bloated, overburdened by the uninspiring feuds it’s required to sell us on heading into Super ShowDown. Whether it was Lars Sullivan’s speaking debut, Shane’s one-note feud with Roman or Dolph Ziggler video packages, none it seemed important. None of it matters. Because we all know that it’s simply designed to serve a foreign, big-spending market. The aim isn’t to entertain the fans, it’s to do just enough to ensure the cheque clears. And with that as the main motivation, it’s impossible to enjoy the current WWE product.
This Friday, @Goldberg & #TheUndertaker will collide for the first-time ever at #WWESSD! #SDLive pic.twitter.com/DW2MSmyhWu
— WWE Network (@WWENetwork) June 5, 2019
To further evidence the point, the best aspect of last night’s SmackDown had nothing to do with Super ShowDown. The three-way between Charlotte, Alexa Bliss and Carmella was far-and-away the best on show, featuring excellent wrestling and a promising result. Although I suppose with barely three matches on the card, there wasn’t much competition.
With that said and as you can imagine, SmackDown was a bad show this week. Despite being not quite as bad as Raw, and without having actively harmed anyone, this week’s show nevertheless remained a SmackDowner.
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