Ah, SmackDown Live. The Tuesday night delight. That good mid-week feel. The early evening matinee to end a long day. I’m running out of forced rhymes…
The point is that we love the blue show. Certainly above its attention seeking, overindulgent, self-aggrandising red sibling. I’ve long told anyone who’ll listen that SmackDown is the mouthwash you need after the Raw turd has left your mouth.
No, hold on, I’ve actually never said that. Who am I thinking of then?
I like to think of Smackdown as the mouthwash you need after the turd Raw just left in your mouth.
(I’d like to think I can get away with this tweet. If not…I was hacked.)
— Ettore “Big E” Ewen (@WWEBigE) April 2, 2019
You’re doing the Lord’s work, Big E. We salute you.
Last night, of course, was the final SmackDown Live before WrestleMania 35 on Sunday and as such, the night’s agenda was packed with hot angles to lead us into ‘The Showcase of the Immortals’.
We were told to expect the “official” contract signing between the contenders for the WWE Championship, Kofi Kingston and Daniel Bryan, an update on the arrests of Becky, Charlotte and Ronda from Raw on Monday, and a final confrontation between AJ Styles and Randy Orton.
And for the first time in recent memory, this card wasn’t subject to change. So, with tons to get through and not much time, let’s get to the good from last night’s show.
Best Of SmackDown Live
Talk Shows
As a matter of principle I tend to hate wrestler talk shows. The problem is that these segments invariably fall into one of three tired categories: a fluff piece for the wrestler concerned, a tame brawl involving the guests and/or host, or both. And in a sense, that’s kind of what we got here too.
Kevin Owens came down to the ring before announcing his two guests on The KO Show, namely AJ Styles and Randy Orton. After a few fairly innocuous lines, things started to get rather spicy. AJ referenced Randy’s history of failed drug tests. Orton responded by accusing Styles of becoming the new John Cena – little more than a corporate shill. Owens then, noticing that things were beginning to spiral out of hand, quietly rose from his chair and casually marched out of the ring without speaking a word. That genuinely made me laugh.
Welp. That's enough for @FightOwensFight. #SDLive pic.twitter.com/ug2R8QltQl
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) April 3, 2019
And then a fight broke out, which ended with Orton countering an attempted Phenomenal Forearm into an RKO.
In the end, the animosity between AJ and Orton was made to feel real, something sorely lacking elsewhere on the card. And ultimately, that’s really all you can ask for.
The More the Merrier
The Usos teamed with Ricochet & Aleister Black to take on The Bar and Rusev & Nakamura in an entertaining 8-man tag match. There were chops, flips and roundhouse kicks. Even better, we get to see an encore in five days time, as the four teams involved will meet again for the SmackDown Live tag team titles on Sunday. Although the way this announcement was handled left a lot to be desired (more on that below).
Similarly, Samoa Joe vs. Ali was a decent bout. It only lasted about five minutes, but it was a passable five minutes. And, as much as I appreciate Ali, seeing Joe pick up the win by choking the high-flyer out was welcome relief after the recent slide the US Champion has found himself on.
Shane Calling Miz’s Dad “Mr Potato Face”
I think he meant to say “Mr Potato Head“, but this nevertheless made me chuckle. I’m secretly 8 years old.
I have to admit that the visual to end this segment was also fairly great. The Miz rose from pinning Eric Young in the parking lot (which was bad), to see Shane’s face as he rolled up the window of his SUV before speeding off (which was amazing). He looked like a very sweaty and slightly out of shape Bond villain.
KofiMania
The contract signing between Kofi and Daniel Bryan was unquestionably the highlight of the show. The crowd was insanely hot for this moment, cycling through various chants for the title challenger, while loudly booing the champion’s attempts to silence them.
Once again, Daniel Bryan was on fire here. His motivational message to “not be a bystander in your own life” was ruthlessly rebuked by the fans in attendance. He berated Kofi for being so reliant on the support of Big E and Xavier Woods, before drawing parallels between the way the fans cheer for Kofi now and the way they used to cheer for him.
Eventually though, Kofi had enough of Bryan’s sanctimony and lobbed a few truths of his own. Kingston had watched Bryan ascend to the top of WWE’s ladder within two years of his debut. He watched, he observed, he understood. This was how the business worked. And all of that was okay, because after eleven long years, Kofi was finally getting his one-on-one shot at the WWE Champion. Moreover, Daniel Bryan knew what was coming for him this Sunday… and he was scared.
After seeing Vince’s smugness last week, I fully expected shenanigans again last night. Some last hurdle for Kofi to overcome; some final obstacle for him to clear. But there was none. Just two excellent, impassioned promos, a contract signed, and a final stare-down.
I am so ready for this match on Sunday.
"It's all led to THIS, Daniel. I see it in your eyes man… I can see it with the mind games you're trying to play. You KNOW that I AM READY!" – @TrueKofi to @WWEDanielBryan #WrestleMania #SDLive pic.twitter.com/076RUuTW9Y
— WWE (@WWE) April 3, 2019
Worst Of SmackDown Live
An Unexpected Moment of Bliss
Seeing Alexa Bliss make her return to the blue brand was an exciting surprise. I’m a big fan of ‘The Goddess’, both as a decent in-ring worker and an excellent heel.
But in recent weeks her character inconsistency has started to become infuriating. She flip flops between hero and villain more than Big Show in his prime, with last night being another example. After a few weeks of perving over Finn’s abs and the size of EC3’s massive… bank account, Alexa inexplicably returned to her full-blown heel status on SmackDown. The reason for her return? To announce that The Usos would be punished for their forfeit against The New Day last week, and would accordingly be defending their belts against Rusev & Nakamura, Ricochet & Black and The Bar in a fatal fourway tag match at WrestleMania.
On that note – and I can’t stress this enough – why does she have the power to book matches now?! This is the second time it’s happened, the first being putting the SNL lads in Sunday’s Battle Royal. She’s the host of WrestleMania. It makes absolutely no sense. Jimmy Kimmel didn’t decide who got Oscars last year. Ricky Gervais wasn’t responsible for handing out Golden Globes! I know I shouldn’t be annoyed by something this trivial, but it really bugs me.
Miz Beating Up All Three Members Of SAnitY
Even before Shane McMahon made this a Falls Count Anywhere match, green lighting the use of weapons, Miz was having little difficulty dispatching SAnitY.
There was a time when SAnitY was one of the most feared factions in WWE. Now they’re just Shane McMahon’s lackeys, routinely getting beaten up by a guy who made a career out of running away from conflict and looking for a sneaky way of winning matches. This was depressing and sets the scene for me to get really wound up when Shane – an untrained 50-year-old buffoon – proves to be a bigger challenge for the Miz than the whole of SAnitY.
Did Becky Steal a Cop Car?
I understand that Becky is ‘The Man’, but I’m not sure why that prevents her from calling an Uber like the rest of us. Regardless, Becky was chauffeured to the Royal Farms Arena in Baltimore, MD in the back of a police car.
.@BeckyLynchWWE is a free woman. #TheMan has ARRIVED to #SDLive! pic.twitter.com/25JpFYlE4a
— WWE (@WWE) April 3, 2019
This is baffling for a number of reasons. First, according to WWE’s own website, Lynch was released from custody on Monday. So that means, for some reason, she returned to the police station at some point yesterday afternoon to request to be driven to the arena. Okay… but that leads into the second issue. Why would the Baltimore police department ever accede to this request?
As a wrestling fan, I’m fully prepared to suspend my disbelief to a certain extent. But none of this made any sense whatsoever. The fact that it ended with Becky cutting a very similar promo to those she’s delivered many times in recent weeks only added to the feeling that Monday’s multiple arrests should have been the final angle headed into the main event of WrestleMania. None of this added anything.
The 92-Person Mixed Tag Debacle
I think the eventual tally had two teams of nine competing in this match, but it honestly felt like a lot more. Throwing this many wrestlers into a match effectively forces you not to care about any of them.
This is going to be BIG! A 1️⃣8️⃣-person #MixedTagTeam Match takes place NEXT on #SDLive! pic.twitter.com/QEw5DyBKSo
— WWE (@WWE) April 3, 2019
Essentially, everyone not involved in a marquee match this Sunday was summarily thrown into this mess of humanity – which is particularly sobering considering that some of the people involved included Asuka, Heavy Machinery, Nikki Cross, The Hardys and EC3.
It felt like the entire Donner Party had been tossed into a wrestling ring… although, I’ll freely admit that the outcome here was slightly better, as the match simply ended in a DQ and everyone hoisting one another over the top rope. Where they just lay for several minutes waiting for more people to get tossed out. It was truly awful.
Overall Rating (From best to worst: SmackDamn, SmackTastic, Smack Bang in the Middle, SmackDowner and A Smack in the Face)
I honestly love SmackDown. I feel like I need to remind myself of that fact now more than ever, because this episode really put that belief to the test.
It started hot with another tense exchange between AJ and Orton, but quickly devolved into a smorgasbord of mediocrity. Miz’s feud with Shane wasn’t advanced in any meaningful way, Becky’s brief appearance actually put out some of the heat coming out of that insane brawl on Raw, and throwing half the roster into a meaningless mixed tag match was one of the most uninspired booking decisions I’ve seen this year.
It almost felt as if SmackDown’s creative team wrote down a bunch of little ideas, loaded them into a shotgun, and fired them at a cork board to see what stuck. Either that or they relied on the old South Park ‘manatees loading idea balls down a tube’ trick.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BvxniWCFm9T/
In the result, nothing felt connected. Nothing felt like it was leading anywhere. It was all just so meaningless. And although the excellent contract signing between Kofi and Bryan elevated this show towards the end, by then it was too late.
For all those reasons, SmackDown this week was a SmackDowner.
Good luck, Kofi.
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