It was long before an admittedly goofy-looking destruction of a skull-adorned prop throne that I realised the first shots had been fired. Even before one brother tried to murder the other, before the Awesome Kong reveal, before MJF’s derisiveness or Orange Cassidy executed the most lackadaisical run-in in wrestling history – hell, even before all the events leading up to Hangman Page becoming the first challenger to AEW’s World Title – it had bec0me clear that a new player was in town. And all it took to legitimise everything we witnessed this past weekend was one word. One little throwaway line uttered during a meaningless Hall of Fame induction speech. The shot that was nevertheless heard around the world.
“Pissant”.
In hindsight, perhaps it wasn’t the smartest move for the ‘Cerebral Assassin’ to pull. Normally so astute, Triple H must’ve known that launching the first volley at AEW wasn’t wise under those circumstances. After all, the last thing Tony Khan and the Elite needed was any more motivation. Another jab to stoke the already burgeoning fire growing beneath the fledgling promotion.
Yet, make it he did, unwise or not. And on Saturday night, AEW responded. If Double or Nothing is anything to go by, that response was resounding. “We aren’t just a low-level alternative to your product. And we won’t be content to live in your shadow.”
I have a pretty good sense of the future. Everyone last night, save your ticket stubs.
— Dave Meltzer (@davemeltzerWON) May 26, 2019
AEW put on an incredible pay-per-view showing this past weekend. One that’s sure to live on in many a memory, and one which may prove to be a watershed moment in this industry. Because on Saturday night, the pissant emerged from its well-produced, exciting cocoon a glorious piss-butterfly. Or whatever it is that pissants become later in life.
So the marker has been laid down. And with Double or Nothing the talk of the wrestling community, the question was whether Raw would answer in kind. Did it even need to? With decades of history, billion-dollar TV deals and an incredibly talented roster, what possible reason could the titan of the wrestling industry have to fear an upstart bunch of nobodies?
Contracts are up in 3 weeks. Just saying…
— MariaKanellisBennett (@MariaLKanellis) May 27, 2019
She was talking about their gym memberships, right? Let’s get to the review of last night’s Raw.
The Best of Raw
The Best in the World Strikes Again
Shane McMahon stood in the ring alongside his hired goon, Drew McIntyre, and proceeded to run down Roman Reigns’ entire family lineage. His open challenge was then answered by a man I was lead to believe was Roman Reigns’ cousin. I think his name was Lance Anoa’i.
Before the match even started however, Drew stepped in to absolutely maul this poor jobber, while Shane rather amusingly pretended to call off his attack dog. I’m still disheartened to see McIntyre in this henchman role, but I can’t say this wasn’t effective. Drew looked like a monster, and Shane got to pick up an easy win without us all being asked to entertain the fantasy that he’s a great wrestler.
Following the match, Roman Reigns ran down to save his family member from further harm. I’m not sure where he was when McIntyre was demolishing him before the bell rang. But regardless, this was a good angle.
The Usos Memorial Day Block Party
The Usos hosted a party in a controlled environment outside of the arena. This had nothing to do with anything happening on Raw (and perhaps that’s why I rather enjoyed it). They drank, they played games, Titus O’Neill manned the grill. Even R-Truth stopped by for some more 24/7 Championship zaniness. (Estimated time before they forget about that belt: T-minus two weeks.)
😂😂😂😂 @WWEUsos #RAW pic.twitter.com/GzXb6yMTSQ
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) May 28, 2019
While this wasn’t quite in the same league as the Festival of Friendship, it was nevertheless a welcome change of pace from the rest of Raw.
Ricochet and Cesaro
Ricochet and Cesaro had a predictably awesome match, filled with incredible athleticism and cracking counters. This was a quick seven-minute, high octane encounter that ended when Ricochet performed a handspring over the ropes into a hurricanrana for the pin.
Can this match NEVER END, please???? @WWECesaro @KingRicochet #RAW pic.twitter.com/81pxhrs3Ef
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) May 28, 2019
It’s perhaps somewhat of a shame that Cesaro would lose so soon after his repackaging, but Ricochet was also desperately in need of a win here. So I’ll take it.
Yowie Wowie
Bray Wyatt just continues to highlight Raw with his unsettling new character. This week he revealed his alter-ego to be ‘The Fiend’, here to protect us from the cruel, unforgiving world. The more we delve into this bifurcated character, the more interested I become.
Another revelation – although this one not entirely unexpected – came in the form of Abby the Witch. Abby seems to once again be a manifestation of Bray’s… dead? imaginary?… sister. On this edition of Firefly Fun House, the Witch pondered why Bray couldn’t just “let her rest”, lamenting how tired she was of “this limbo”. Which Bray artfully transitioned into a game of, well, limbo.
This was captivating, unsettling and excellent.
‘The Architect’ vs ‘The Critic’
Seth Rollins and Sami Zayn put on a pretty good main event. Despite Zayn’s abysmal booking of late, he remains a quality presence on Raw. Of course, given the larger context, Sami once again picked up the loss here. But this match as all about the journey and not the destination.
Unfortunately though, the journey had one notable drawback. When attempting a tope suicida, Seth once again blew out his surgically-repaired knee. Again. AGAIN!
That knee continues to put @WWERollins in a world of hurt tonight. 😰 #RAW pic.twitter.com/00526Frtt7
— WWE (@WWE) May 28, 2019
This is an angle that seems to re-emerge whenever WWE feels the need to position the Universal Champion as a vulnerable, gutsy underdog. Quite frankly though, I’m tired of seeing this same recipe play out. The law of diminishing returns applies, meaning that every time Seth works the knee injury, I get a little less invested.
This criticism notwithstanding, the match itself was very good overall.
The Worst of Raw
The Incredible Health Benefits of Pancakes
Last week, Kofi was brutalised at the hands of a returning Dolph Ziggler. He was beaten, battered and pulverised. So violent in fact was this attack that Kofi needed to be stretchered away from ringside.
Six days later he’s totally fine.
I have no idea what the New Day put in those pancakes, nor if they’ve been approved by the FDA, but they seem to work miracles.
The Beast-box
The Money in the Bank briefcase has now officially been remodelled into a… sigh… “Beast-box”. By all accounts, this just appears to be plastic boombox substitute that causes bad music and his opponents’ entrance themes to be played through the arena sound system. Oh, and Brock to perform his best impression of ‘Becky Lynch making her NXT debut’.
.@BrockLesnar with ALL the footwork! 🕺 #RAW @HeymanHustle pic.twitter.com/brR7uTovVc
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) May 28, 2019
It was cute last week, in a subversive sort of way. But now it just makes the most fearsome man in WWE look like a teenage delinquent.
This segment opened the show and was designed to have Brock announce his championship opponent. Instead it ended with no announcement being made, Seth Rollins storming away and Ziggler showing up to blindside Kofi before beating down Xavier Woods forever.
Dolph is Still Ice Cold
If his overlong beating of Xavier Woods generated no heat, the promo which followed somehow managed to produce anti-heat. The kind of ice cold reception that could’ve put out the Great Fire of London.
A happy Ziggler is a dangerous Ziggler. @HEELZiggler #RAW pic.twitter.com/jAlXvR0R16
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) May 28, 2019
Dolph again spoke with passion and emotion about how all of Kofi’s opportunities should have been his. How he admired Kofi, how he defended him when others called him a B-plus Player. And that come Super ShowDown, Ziggler was going to take the WWE Championship from Kingston.
Aside from his confusing motivations, the larger issue is again that Dolph exhausted all his goodwill with WWE fans years ago. We know how this all ends, but under other circumstances that could still be okay. When the journey getting there is boring however, that’s when you’ve got yourself a Ziggler feud.
Brock Finds Out What The Briefcase Does
After repeated prompting from Seth Rollins, Paul Heyman revealed what everyone already knew. That the holder of the Money in the Bank briefcase is afforded a full year to cash in their title opportunity.
Somehow this came as news to Brock Lesnar though, who upon finding this out, laughed in Rollins’ face and smugly walked away. As he strolled up the ramp, Michael Cole robotically chimed: “We could have a ‘Beast in the Bank’ for a full year!”
So, you're saying @BrockLesnar has A YEAR to cash in his #MITB contract?
That's… somehow… news to The #BeastInTheBank! #RAW @HeymanHustle pic.twitter.com/kn0IpLBtMj
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) May 28, 2019
While it’s ridiculous to think that Brock could somehow win the Briefcase – and have had it used against him – without understanding how it operates, the prospect of him hanging around for a full year is even more ludicrous. Just announce that you’re cashing it in against Rollins already so that we can all move on with our lives.
The Women’s Tag Team Chumps
Becky Lynch and Nikki Cross teamed to take on The IIconics in a match they absolutely dominated and then won. That means that since claiming the tag team belts at WrestleMania, The IIconics have won one match and lost five, with their sole victory coming against the decorated Brooklyn Belles almost two months ago.
I understand not wanting Becky or Nikki Cross to lose, but why pair them against your newly-crowned Tag Team Champions? A team (and set of titles) WWE presumably intends to push at some stage? Talk about booking yourself into an easily avoidable hole.
Fatal Fourway Elimination Number One Contender Decider
Man, what a mouthful.
Raw decided that the next challenger for Seth Rollins’ Universal Title would the winner of a Fatal Fourway Elimination Match between The Miz, Baron Corbin, Bobby Lashley and Braun Strowman. Because in a world where wins and losses don’t matter, you want your top challenger to be the guy who lost to either Shane McMahon, Roman Reigns, Finn Bálor or Sami Zayn.
A true #MonsterAmongMen. 😱 @BraunStrowman #Fatal4Way #RAW pic.twitter.com/GpIKfXBMcn
— WWE (@WWE) May 28, 2019
Regardless, this match was for the most part a plodding affair. Lashley and Corbin (reprising their infamous ‘Mid-card of Evil’ alliance) spent the first two-thirds of the match slowly – and I mean sloooowly – getting the heat on Miz and Strowman. Then Miz had a little flurry before falling victim to the End of Days, meaning that Baron Corbin is heading to Super ShowDown to face Seth Rollins.
In case you’re wondering what happened to Lashley and Strowman, they brawled into the crowd and were somehow eliminated. Because, as we all know, in Fatal Fourway matches you can only be eliminated by pin fall, submission or straying too far from camera shot. Great work, WWE.
More Talk Shows
Had you asked me before last night, I would’ve said that the last thing Raw needs is another talk show. But then WWE reminded me how awful their overly rehearsed Q&A sessions are.
Corey Graves unveiled his new segment, appropriately named the Electric Chair. Because, you see, his guest sits in… get this… an Electric Chair. Radical.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx_VnP8BJ3V/
Sami Zayn was the subject of this agonising segment this week, using the questions thrown at him as an excuse to insult the Kansas City crowd. He called them idiots, suggested they may be inbred, threatened to punch them in the mouth, and name-dropped AEW. This latter attempt at faux controversy predictably stirred up chants of AEW, perhaps motivating the decision to edit it out of the YouTube clip. So, again I say, good job WWE.
Sami was his usual brilliant self. But this meandering segment made me wish that I was the one strapped to the electric chair.
Overall Rating for the Show (From best to worst: RawSome, Cor, AvRAWge, Poor and Rawful)
Absolutely nothing happened on this instalment of Raw.
None 0f the advertised events occurred. Brock was billed to announce whom he would be cashing his MITB briefcase in on. Not only did that not happen, but Brock has converted the briefcase into a boombox and teased holding onto it for a full year.
The Dolph / Kofi feud, already underwhelming, somehow managed to regress this week. Dolph has now shifted from attacking Kofi a week ago, to beating up his sidekick Xavier Woods last night. At this pace, we might see him blindside Evan Bourne before the end of the month.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx_Y87vAlRo/
Ironically, the biggest storyline development was the reveal that Baron Corbin would be challenging Seth Rollins for the Universal Title at Super ShowDown. Yeah. Okay. So, Seth will be winning that then. Not exactly the most tantalising match to hype WWE’s Saudi showpiece.
In a week where some speculated that Raw might have a few dramatics in store, the most newsworthy event was Sami Zayn simply mentioning AEW during a meaningless Q&A session.
This was a remarkably uneventful episode of Raw. One that could easily have been skipped without missing out on anything of note. It’s sad to see such a talented roster reduced to block parties and inconsequential matches.
This week’s Raw is Poor.
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