Even before Raw kicked off this week, something happened that made me want to pull whatever’s left of my hair out of my head. Of course, I’m referring to the abomination of a teaser video that appeared on WWE’s YouTube channel midweek. It appears that not even our Thursday afternoons are safe from the pull of the red brand’s vortex of frustration. Well played, Baron Corbin.
For the lucky few who missed this assault on our common sense, allow me to fill you in. Stephanie McMahon issued a statement renouncing – nay, condemning – Brock Lesnar’s actions last week, promising that the McMahon family and WWE’s executive team will be taking steps against the ‘Beast’ for disrespecting the fans, the Money in the Bank briefcase and the company’s two main champions.
Okay, first off, I’m fairly sure she meant that WWE “DEnounced” Brock’s actions, as opposed to “REnouncing” them. Renouncing makes no sense. Second of all, “denounce” and “condemn” mean exactly the same thing! There are many things I can tolerate, but redundancy isn’t one of them.
We’re off to a shaky start here, Steph.
But it’s really the basis for her outrage that made me want to collapse on my face like Charlie Brown. McMahon tried to convince us that Brock had somehow insulted the fans, made a mockery of the briefcase and disrespected the champions by… turning the briefcase into a boombox? By teasing a cash-in, only to not follow through?
Stephanie does remember when the New Day filled the briefcase with pancakes, right? I don’t recall those actions ever being condemned. In fact we all shared a good belly laugh at the fun guys’ silly antics. As far as his unfulfilled cash-ins are concerned, well, she just described every briefcase holder, ever! Teasing cash-ins are what they do! Carmella attempted several during the eight years she held the briefcase. (I just checked, I think she actually held it for closer to 10 months.)
I’m not even going to address the blatant hypocrisy in the suggestion that Lesnar’s “Brock Party” somehow crossed a line. This is a company with a history of abduction, ritualistic sacrifice, home invasions and burning down family compounds. Just a week ago, Dolph Ziggler tried to murder Kofi Kingston by wrapping a chair around his throat! But wearing a hoodie and using a plastic briefcase like an imaginary boombox is where we draw the line.
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All told, this was just another cynical, insulting attempt at storytelling, embodying the most infuriating aspects of the company. WWE needed Brock to announce his opponent ahead of Super ShowDown but, without having thought this story through in advance, they fell back on the crutch they so often rely upon. Authority figures and “corporate actions”. The irony is, of course, that Stephanie McMahon is guilty of the very things she accused Brock of. By pulling this nonsensical gibberish, it is in fact her that’s disrespecting the fans and the MITB briefcase.
But if there’s a bright side to this travesty, at least it guaranteed the presence of Brock on Raw this week. And the Undertaker was also advertised for the show. As was everyone scheduled for this Friday’s pay-per-view. Would all of this action translate to a good go-home edition of Raw? Let’s find out in the review.
The Best of Raw
The A-listers
No, not the Miz. Although he was good too.
Before MizTV got underway, the cameras revealed that Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey were in attendance with the show emanating from Austin, Texas. I don’t have much to say about this, other than it was nice to see a couple of genuine stars on Raw. I kid, I kid!
Miz’s guest this week was Seth Rollins, who wanted to address the pending cash-in by Brock Lesnar. Oh, and he also spoke about his upcoming title defence against Baron Corbin at Super ShowDown. I almost care about one of those things.
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The segment was ended when footage of Brock arriving at the arena played on the titantron. The ‘Beast’ looked like he was heading to the ring, but after a few purposeful strides, he changed his mind and got back into his limo. I imagine this won’t be the last we see of Lesnar tonight. Got to get those sweet third hour ratings, after all!
A New US Champion
An obviously injured Rey Mysterio relinquished his United States Championship to Samoa Joe – who attacked him anyway. Rey looked honourable and genuinely pained when surrendering his belt, and Joe a vindictive bully. This was a simple story that worked for everyone.
Six Matches And A Movie
Cesaro and Ricochet cut short cellphone promos to hype up their encounter set for later in the night. This would be the third match between the two in as many weeks, but they’ve all been of such tremendous quality that it’s hard to complain. With the score tied at one win apiece, I could gladly see this feud produce several more excellent bouts.
But, HOW @KingRicochet?? #Raw pic.twitter.com/wa2XHCb1zX
— WWE (@WWE) June 4, 2019
And, skipping ahead, the pair did exactly that with another great showing. This was far and away the best match on Raw, as Cesaro relied on his power game to try and negate the pure athleticism of Ricochet. Ultimately, however, the ‘Swiss Superman’ couldn’t contain Ricochet’s speed, as a flurry of moves ended with a roll-up for the pin.
The post-match beat-down then revealed that R-Truth had been hiding underneath the ring for most of the night. This prompted an invasion of Raw’s goof troop, causing Truth to scamper to safety. For a title that’s meant to be defended 24/7, most of the action seems to happen in Raw’s third hour.
A Monstrous Theme
I could be wrong, but it sounded like Braun Strowman debuted a slightly modified theme this week. It sounded a bit more energetic, with some rocking guitar melodies. Or maybe it’s what he’s always had and I’m just wrapped in the early signs of sleep deprivation.
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Either way, Strowman and Bobby Lashley then had the beefiest arm wrestling contest this side of 2006. Strowman won and Lashley attacked him, setting up their encounter at Super ShowDown. This is worth $9.99 a month, right?
The Muscle Man Dance
I’m not sure what other superlatives I can use to describe Firefly Fun House. Bray Wyatt really has created something quite extraordinary.
This week saw the introduction of TWO new characters. A chocolate eating pig named Huskus (sounding a lot like Husky) and a horned, suit-wearing chairman. Both clearly represented elements of Braun’s past, with Huskus reminiscent of Bray’s old – portlier – frame and the corporate devil threatening to fire him if he “didn’t get his act together“.
Wyatt then demonstrated a catchy new workout routine, complete with a very subtle subliminal message. See if you can spot it.
The ‘Game’ and the ‘Viper’
Eschewing the customary video packages, Triple H and Randy Orton instead had their first face-to-face encounter in a very long time. Each man calmly promised to beat the other come Friday, as tensions quickly escalated.
Most of the insults centred around the size and location of Triple H’s testicles, which was a bit strange. But effective nonetheless. Their match at Super ShowDown should be good and, knowing the ‘Game’, at least 25 minutes long.
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The Dead Man Cometh
The Undertaker showed up on Raw to sign off on his upcoming match with Goldberg. Man, that’s still a sentence I can’t believe we’re saying in 2019.
With five minutes left until the show went off the air, there was just enough time for the ‘Dead Man’ to make an entrance and inform his opponent “you’re next”. We didn’t even get a “rest in peace”.
While I remain only morbidly interested in seeing this ‘Clash of the Geriatrics’ on Friday, Undertaker undeniably retains a tangible presence that so many of WWE’s other wrestlers lack. His appearance felt important and was an impactful way to sign-off this go-home show.
The Worst of Raw
The Return of Authority Figures
Raw started with Michael Cole alluding to Stephanie McMahon’s midweek condemnation of Brock Lesnar (more on that in the intro to this week’s review). In his opening verbal escapade, Cole referred to Stephanie McMahon as Raw’s Commissioner.
I’m pretty sure we got rid of those six months ago, Michael. It was a big announcement made by Vince McMahon – we were told there were no more authority figures and that the audience had been placed in charge. It’s why Kurt Angle and Paige magically evaporated into the ether.
So now, not only are authority figures seemingly back, but there was no explanation for their return. Didn’t WWE recently hire a Head of Continuity?
The Bloodline Opens the Show
If Raw’s first hour was a funnel cake, the recipe would call for two cups of promo, a tablespoon of confrontation (if none is available, a brawl would work as a suitable substitute) and a healthy sprinkling of TV match.
SOOOOOO CLOSE! 👉👈 #Raw @WWEUsos @WWERomanReigns pic.twitter.com/DZDipqevLY
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) June 4, 2019
And that’s what we got to open the night, first with Roman coming out to talk about how he would beat Shane McMahon this Friday. This was quickly followed by Shane claiming that he would beat Roman. Drew McIntyre came out next in support of the ‘Sweaty Wonder’, growling about brutalising people. And then everyone (the Revival included) beat up Roman until the Usos ran down for the save.
This was all a rather formulaic and cumbersome method of introducing the night’s first advertised match: a six-man tag pitting Drew and the Revival against Roman and the Usos. The match itself was exactly what you would expect – plenty of solid wrestling and Shane shenanigans whenever the referee’s back was turned. Ultimately, the latter allowed Drew to hit a Claymore on Jimmy Uso for the win. And then the heels returned to beating up Roman, with Shane hitting a spear on the former Universal Champion.
Shane with a SPEAR!! #Raw @shanemcmahon pic.twitter.com/sAUfaIHMag
— WWE (@WWE) June 4, 2019
This was fine but stuck rigidly to WWE’s usual formula to open a show. Two passable promos and a decent match, while acceptable, isn’t exactly the pulsating hook catapulting you into the next three hours.
Super ShowDown Hype
They left it as late as possible, but four days out from Super ShowDown, WWE finally acknowledged the host venue for the controversial PPV by name. Noticeably absent however were the usual descriptors of “beautiful” or “progressive”.
I’m not going to delve into the complexities of WWE’s relationship with Saudi Arabia – that’s better left to people far more informed than me – but suffice it to say that any mention of Friday’s event makes me cringe. Apart from the inescapable politics, the scheduled matches are wholly unappealing and, for its part, WWE seems intent to just get this weekend over and done with. That’s no way to build a show or reward your fanbase.
The Purveyor of Paranoia
Monday nights are rife with silly nicknames. The ‘Architect’ doesn’t make much sense for an anarchist who advocates burning things down. Similarly, ‘the Irresistible Force’ leaves much to be desired.
.@HeymanHustle is BEGGING @BrockLesnar to cash in!! #Raw pic.twitter.com/KtxQQmIPwI
— WWE (@WWE) June 4, 2019
But the latest moniker for Brock Lesnar is perhaps the worst of all. Honestly, the ‘Purveyor of Paranoia’ doesn’t even make any sense. First of all, Brock’s not around often enough to generate any sense of paranoia. When he showed up at Money in the Bank to win the main event, my immediate reaction was: “Oh, this guy’s still around?” That’s the exact opposite of paranoia!
Second, a purveyor is a seller or vendor. So unless he’s bottled this feeling of dread, I literally have no idea what they’re talking about. Also, he was already known by a far better nickname – ‘the Beast’!
The Pay-Per-View Match before the Pay-Per-View
Four days before Lars Sullivan is scheduled to face Lucha House Party at Super ShowDown, Lars faced the luchadors on Raw. Yes, you read that right.
Teamwork makes the dream work! #Raw @WWEGranMetalik @LuchadorLD @KalistoWWE #Raw pic.twitter.com/U2MSK9AFfE
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) June 4, 2019
At first I thought this was an actual match, but apparently I was wrong. Because the segment barely lasted 60 seconds and simply ended after Lucha House Party dropkicked ‘the Freak’ out of the ring. As a segment, this was disappointing. As a preview to a pay-per-view match, this was simply inexplicable.
Alexa Bliss is… a Face… I Think?
In advance of their match, Peyton Royce (flanked by Billie Kay) confronted Nikki Cross in the locker room. The Aussies mocked Cross for following Alexa Bliss around in recent weeks, queuing an intervention by ‘the Goddess’ herself to save her protege.
A short exchange later and Bliss and Cross were left alone… and this is where things got strange. A smiling Bliss invited Cross to get some coffee. The rather bashful ‘Goddess’ revealed that she knew that the Scotswoman had been spending a lot of time with Becky Lynch, and she understood why Becky – as the champ – would be more appealing.
Just The #IIconics. Being, well…IIconic. @BillieKayWWE @PeytonRoyceWWE pic.twitter.com/6xYkn9dtHM
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) June 4, 2019
REALLY? When exactly did this happen? The only interaction between Lynch and Cross that I remember is when they teamed together on Raw last week. Other than that, they’ve had little to do with one another. And why is Alexa suddenly a timid, shy, insecure babyface?
Did I recently suffer a head injury causing me to forget a month of TV storylines?
Regardless, Cross and Royce had a pretty lacklustre encounter in front of a largely silent crowd. And then Peyton lost again. Congrats on that record-breaking tag title reign.
A Subplot About Coffee
Towards the latter stages of the Cross / Royce matchup, Alexa Bliss had a coffee delivered to her at ringside. Before taking a sip however, the beverage was knocked from her hands and spilt all over the floor. Moments later, Bliss took a tumble after slipping in her caffeinated puddle. Oh no, and she was wearing white jeans! This mishap made her a very grumpy ‘Goddess’.
Between last week, the backstage skit last night and her appearance ringside for Cross’ match, Bliss has now referenced coffee on three occasions. Judging by her latest line of merchandise, it’s a ridiculous trend we can expect to continue.
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Still better than a Moment of Bliss though.
More Convenient Exposition – Man vs Lady vs Queen
Becky Lynch came out to announce her intention of beating up Lacey Evans. Then Lacey came out to run down Becky. This was followed by Charlotte, who had a few choice words for the other two.
Fortunately, all three women were in their ring gear. So without any further explanation, we got a match between Charlotte and Evans, with Becky at ringside. As with many elements of this show, the set-up of this match was unbelievably contrived and lazy. The largely hollow words – all of which closely resembled previous promos – were simply a convenient excuse to get all three women into the ring together.
The match itself was one of the most awkward, discombobulated, botchy worked-shoot fights in modern WWE history. Neither woman seemed to know what the other intended. It was truly mortifying. Lacey eventually won after Becky attacked Charlotte for the DQ. This wasn’t Becky doing Lacey any favours though, as she also gave Evans the Manhandle Slam. If you’ve been watching WWE for the last couple of months, you’ve seen variations of this exact angle play out multiple times. Nothing was advanced here.
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The Non Cash-In We Had All Been Promised
Remember the entire premise of this week’s show? Paul Heyman had guaranteed that his client would be cashing-in his contract opportunity on Raw. Well, that didn’t happen.
Brock marched to the ring – steel chair in hand and Heyman and referee in tow – to take advantage of Seth Rollins, who had been on the receiving end of a kerfuffle with Baron Corbin. Lesnar punted Seth in his little Architects, before delivering an F-5 and multiple chair shots to Rollins’ spine. Throughout this attack, Heyman implored his client to execute the easiest cash-in in company history. Seth was barely conscious and would eminently be transported to a hosp… sorry, local medical facility.
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Instead Brock simply spat the word “Friday” at his advocate, presumably in reference to Super ShowDown. While Brock’s refusal to cash-in for a simple victory isn’t at all unexpected, it is incomprehensible in this universe of logic, rational thinking and common sense. Seth was at his mercy. All Brock needed to do was pin him.
Instead we’re heading to the destination most of us spotted from the outset: a match in Saudi Arabia. How this effects the already announced Seth / Corbin bout remains to be seen. But at least that encounter is now somewhat more intriguing.
Overall Rating for the Show (From best to worst: RawSome, Cor, AvRAWge, Poor and RawFul)
I normally feel bad about criticising Raw. Generally speaking, I want the red brand to succeed. I want the show to be good. If I’m going to be sitting through three hours of weekly TV, I’d prefer it be entertaining. Or if that’s too much to ask, at a bare minimum, tolerable.
But this week, I could find very few redeeming qualities. The show as a whole was lazy, unimaginative and riddled with inconsistencies. Becky, Charlotte and Lacey continued the dynamic we’ve seen ad nauseum for months, bad promos awkwardly led to mediocre matches and Alexa Bliss has become the most frustrating presence on Monday night.
"@Goldberg. You're NEXT." #TheUndertaker has spoken. #Raw pic.twitter.com/8Yz9YO4QIw
— WWE (@WWE) June 4, 2019
None of this is to say that Raw was entirely bad. Triple H and Randy Orton had a rather tense face-to-face. Firefly Fun House was predictably enjoyable. And Cesaro and Ricochet put on yet another tremendous showing. But these were little more faint illusions of an oasis in an otherwise desolate wasteland. The Brock storyline in particular exposed WWE’s lack of creativity and forethought.
With many characters taking obvious steps backward this week and little to look forward to at Super ShowDown, this week’s Raw is RawFul.
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