We’re just six days removed from WrestleMania! Which, now that I think about it, means that we’re only four days away from NXT TakeOver: New York. But that’s not what we’re here to discuss.
With WWE’s biggest show of the year mere days away, it was expected that Raw would pull out all the big guns to peak interest ahead of ‘The Showcase of the Immortals’. And that’s exactly what they did.
I’m talking Brock Lesnar, Batista, tag team title matches, Andre The Giant Memorial… Battle Royal standoffs? Okay, forget that last one.
There was without question a lot crammed into last night’s edition of Raw. It’s almost as if some of it hadn’t been planned out in advance and was hastily thrown together at the last minute…
But how much of this tangled mess of chaos and pageantry actually worked? Let’s get to the good from Raw, starting with Stephanie McMahon’s “big announcement”.
The Best of Raw
“Winner Takes All”
Aside from Stephanie’s painfully bad troll job to kick off the show, her announcement that the women’s triple threat at WrestleMania will be “winner takes all” was a welcomed one. Certainly far better than the rumoured complex alternatives, namely that Becky could win the title held by either Charlotte or Ronda by pinning or submitting the respective champion, but Charlotte could not claim the Raw Women’s Championship by defeating Rousey and vice versa. Imagine Michael Cole excitedly trying to explain those rules all night on Sunday.
Thankfully now we’ll only have to hear him yell the trendy catchphrase “winner takes all!” every 5 minutes in the run-up to the main event.
Beth Phoenix’s Guns
While it’s easy to criticise Michael Cole for making the intellectually bankrupt observation that Phoenix is known as the ‘Glamazon’ “because she’s really strong, guys“, he is technically right. Also, it’s Michael Cole, so… come on, what are we expecting at this point?
In reality the Hall of Famer, who retired in 2012, hasn’t lost a step in her return to the ring. She was unquestionably the star in tag match which teamed her with Natalya, Bayley and Sasha Banks against Nia Jax, Tamina and The IIconics. Phoenix shoved Banks off the apron before tagging herself in, attacked Tamina through the ringside barricade, then popped up to deliver the Glam Slam to Peyton Royce.
And she did all of this while reminding us all that she has biceps like iron girders. Honestly, my only dream is to one day look as amazing as Beth Phoenix does seven years after retirement.
Did we mention @TheBethPhoenix IS BACK?!?!?! #RAW pic.twitter.com/7isEX34qGy
— WWE (@WWE) April 2, 2019
I’m Not Crying. It’s Just Been Raining…On My Face.
It’s clear that after sacrificing his body for 20 years, Kurt Angle just has nothing left to give. And that’s not an indictment of Angle – who I personally believe is one of the five best wrestlers in WWE history – it’s simply the reality of Father Time and winning gold medals with a broken freakin’ neck!
But this is what Kurt’s retirement tour should have been from the outset. The advertised match against Rey Mysterio on Raw was replaced by a touching video tribute chronicling the last two decades (mainly the first one) of Angle’s career. It was a moving salute to one of the greatest ever – complete with testimonials from Steve Austin, Mick Foley and Triple H – and seems far more appropriate than putting the ailing veteran through a series of bad matches.
I’d truthfully rather see more of this than a frankly insulting encounter with Baron Corbin this weekend. Angle deserves more than that.
😂 #ThankYouKurt #RAW @RealKurtAngle pic.twitter.com/Zh6SSNBqhO
— WWE (@WWE) April 2, 2019
The ‘Scottish Psychopath’
The intensity that Drew McIntyre has brought to Raw in recent weeks has placed him head and very, very broad shoulders above everyone else on the roster.
This week he blindsided Roman Reigns during an interview with ‘Mean Dasha’, all the while screaming that Roman “should’ve said no“. Then, after laying him out, the Scotsman warned the former Universal Champion that he would “be seeing him every time he closed his eyes at night“. This segment was short but brilliant, and made Drew look like an absolute killer.
Becky, Charlotte and Ronda
I enjoyed watching Becky attempt to dispatch the entire Riott Squad on her own. It made sense that ‘The Man’ would try and send a message to her WrestleMania opponents ahead of their match this weekend, and also why she struggled to beat someone she so easily pinned last week. She was, essentially, trying to take on the entire Squad on her own.
Predictably, as soon as the match was over, the three women involved in Sunday’s triple threat turned on each other for a prolonged brawl, which only ended once an entire platoon of police officers arrested them… presumably on charges of being wrestlers who liked to wrestle in a wrestling ring. Where were these cops when Drew smashed Roman’s head against a ring post, or punted Dean through the guard railing?
In any event, this led to Ronda and Becky lashing out at one another in the backseat of an unmarked police car, and Ronda driving her foot straight through a window (which admittedly looked really cool). The officers struggled to remove Lynch from the car, allowing Ronda to climb into the driver’s seat and launch the vehicle into another nearby car.
I could’ve done without the parts that felt like they were ripped directly from an episode of Cops, but overall this was a ludicrously fun TV segment that neatly demonstrated the ill will between all three competitors.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BvvGH7pFFyK/
The Worst of Raw
Seth Rollins Drills ‘The Beast’ Below The Border
Rollins came out to face his rival six days out from ‘The Show of Shows’, in a moment we’ve been anticipating since Seth won the Royal Rumble in January.
Sure, these two have faced off previously, so that Lesnar could deliver his contractually mandated six F-5s to the title challenger. But this was the first face-to-face meeting between the pair in months.
Unfortunately, any prospect of heightened drama ahead of their clash at WrestleMania completely dissipated when Rollins decided to call Brock “a bully” who “throws his weight around“. Then he bashed him in the nuts twice and hit him with The Stomp. I didn’t really care about this match heading into this Sunday’s contest, and yet somehow I’m even less invested now. Rollins has been on a definite downward trajectory in recent months and it doesn’t bode well for the title match in six days.
Batista… Sadly
YEEEAAHHH!!! BA DA… BA DA…. BA DA… BA DADANANA… BA DA
Sorry, I get a bit carried away whenever I hear that awesome theme. Sadly though, Batista’s appearance on Raw didn’t live up to either that awesome song or the great rivalry that he’s built with Triple H over the last several weeks.
After using his power of telekinesis to get the titantron to play a video recap of his feud with WWE’s COO, Batista simply stared directly into the camera and told Hunter to “kiss [his] ass“. And that was it. A pretty underwhelming final chapter heading into Sunday.
I did enjoy his sport jacket though. It looked like it had been fashioned from the curtains in the Playboy Mansion.
Apollo Beating Jinder
This was a nothing match, somehow made worse by the presence of all the entrants in this year’s Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal around ringside. The match itself was over in about a minute and quickly deteriorated into a mass brawl between Raw’s entire undercard of goobers.
Good God, What’s Happened To Braun?
This segment started with an unflattering backstage skit featuring Alexa Bliss, the ghost of Tyler Breeze and the man whose body has been taken over by an alien trying to learn Earth’s customs, EC3. The entire exchange was painfully awkward and wooden. Soon enough though, Braun intervened and ended up challenging two backstage… caterers?… to a match.
I can’t be bothered to explain how or why this happened, but suffice to say one looked a little like Colin Jost and the other had a vague resemblance to Michael Che. That is, if you squint a little and allow yourself to fall into racial stereotypes.
This was awful. Somehow Braun’s diminishing heat has become contagious, infecting everyone he comes into contact with.
"@ColinJost" and "Michael Che" of @nbcsnl fame are here, and they're about to #GetTheseHands from @BraunStrowman! #RAW pic.twitter.com/uuyOFAv00q
— WWE (@WWE) April 2, 2019
The Raw Tag Team Division
Heavy Machinery beat Gable & Roode in a meaningless match, oh Tucky yeah! This was preceded by The Revival securing a count-out win over Aleister Black & Ricochet. Neither match was particularly good.
Although unannounced at this stage, this appears to be leading to a multi-team contest for the Raw tag team belts at WrestleMania. That’s all well and good, but doesn’t explain why any of these teams are worthy of a title shot. It’s pure speculation for now, but surely Black & Ricochet (and Gable & Roode for that matter) aren’t losing their way to a championship match at ‘Mania.
Finn Bálor’s Demon Impression
Bálor reintroduced us to the Demon by sticking his tongue out and grunting. It made me laugh. He sounded like Krumm from Aaahh!!! Real Monsters during a medical examination. Yay, 90s reference.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BvvKoOrl1uj/
Still No Sign Of Nikki Cross
This just upsets me on a personal level. Cross has the potential to be one of the top stars on the Raw roster, but she hasn’t been seen for weeks. On a show on which all of the other NXT call-ups from her class were featured, this feels like a particularly egregious slight.
Rey Mysterio vs. Baron Corbin
Im tired of seeing Baron in the main event. On second thought, I could’ve just ended that sentence after the word “Baron”.
Overall Rating (From best to worst: RawSome, Cor, AvRAWge, Poor and Rawful)
As shocked as I am to say this, Raw somehow managed to Raw its way to a serviceable episode this week.
Sure it was clunky in places and remains constrained by the burden of filling three hours of TV every week. But they definitely tried to fill this instalment with memorable moments and big stars. Sunday’s entire main event getting arrested was chaotic fun and McIntyre is starting to look like a star again.
With that said, my feelings towards WrestleMania remain largely unchanged. I’m still excited for the main event (provided everyone’s out of jail by that point), Batista vs. Triple H, as well as McIntyre vs. Reigns, amongst others. But if you didn’t care about the tag team division or the Intercontinental Title picture before last night, then nothing on this show changed your mind.
Well, that was a short victory lap.@RealKurtAngle gets the last word ahead of #WrestleMania this Sunday!! #RAW pic.twitter.com/qJbvPeK4Jy
— WWE (@WWE) April 2, 2019
I also wish WWE was capable of exercising some restraint. Braun doesn’t need any more silly backstage skits and the reveal that Finn would be calling on the Demon this Sunday removes all of the surprise of seeing it on the night. Also, Corbin was in the main event this week again.
Despite some of these bugbears, I can’t overly complain about what was a decent show – albeit slightly less impressive given it was a go-home episode. All told, the Raw before ‘Mania was a steady AvRAWge.
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