Titus O’Neil sent out a somewhat cryptic tweet last month that teased a possible Marvel movie role.
284lbs now 6weeks from today I’ll be ready for a Lifelong Goal 2be reached&I’m excited about the process to go down to a Leaner 41 year old 270lb @Marvel Character 😎🌍 Has nothing to do with @WWE but everything to do with being a Blessed Man! @DaveBautista I’ll see you soon 😊 pic.twitter.com/zdeuhaQ7GK
— Titus O'Neil (@TitusONeilWWE) May 17, 2018
This got us talking superheroes and derailed about a days worth of work at the office. Liam and Josh got into a slap fight because someone called Deadpool derivative. Someone else spray-painted a penis on Oli’s car, but that might not be related to this. However, eventually a few of us restored order…
And when the dust cleared it got us discussing what other WWE superstars would be at home in superhero tights. I mean they can’t be that different; spandex is spandex. The survivors of the WrestleTalk Civil War 2 compiled this list of which wrestlers should be cast in the next superhero film. Oli and Luke… did not understand the assignment…
15. Carmella – Livewire
Livewire is a former shock-jock turned Superman villain after losing her job at a rock station. On her show, disc Jockey Leslie Willis would lambaste the Man of Steel, calling his heroics self-serving grandstanding. She’s kinda like Stern but with more redeeming qualities. The Princess of Staten Island is nothing if not loud and braggadocios which would play well for the former disc jockey.
14. Bobby Roode – Hercules
Jack Kirby and Stan Lee brought the greatest Olympian to the Marvel pages back in the 1960’s. Essentially, a rival for Thor, the Greek demi-god is the Asgardians equal in strength and nobility, while maintaining a much more carefree attitude. On top of looking like the character, Bobby Roode has proven he can perfectly master the correct balance of arrogance and charm vital to the character.
I’ll admit this isn’t my best photoshop work, but it does look like Bobby is REALLY enjoying breaking those chains.
13. Cesaro – Absorbing Man
Carl “Crusher” Creel was an convict and boxer who was granted the power to absorb the properties of any material he came in contact with. This was, of course, another brilliant Loki plan that didn’t blow up his face at all. While only being a mere mortal, Absorbing Man has defeated the legions of Asgard and stood toe to toe with Thor, Odin, and the Hulk on separate occasions. Like Cesaro, Creel is deceptively powerful and resembles a slightly more badass Mr. Clean. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see Cesaro deliver a Giant Swing to Mark Ruffalo?
12. Rhyno – Rhino
To put it simply Rhino is… dumb as a bag of rocks. Aleksei Sytsevich was an Eastern Bloc thug who was bonded to his Rhino skin by evil scientists. The skin augmented his strength, speed, and durability. Despite Rhyno’s smaller stature, his run with Heath Slater shows he can pull off the comically dimwitted persona. The characters needs something to have him stand out in the MCU among other great villains, and playing him as a comedic, oafish brute would add the level of levity we expect from Spider-Man movies.
Also, you can have all my money if you get Rhyno to do an Eastern European accent. I imagine it would sound like William DaFoe in Shadow of the Vampire, but with bits of Cheez-Whiz and Ritz flying from his mouth.
11. Roman Reigns – Jason Mamoa’s stunt double
I don’t want Aqua Bro getting hurt on the set. Jason Mamoa is my number one man crush (don’t tell Bray and Billy Dee Williams) and I’ve already suffered his death once on Game of Thrones… I’m not doing it again! I can’t! I love you Jason… you’re so pretty. Only you and ‘Taker can rock guyliner that well.
10. Vince McMahon – Ra’s al Ghul
Ra’s al Ghul or the Demon’s Head is the immortal leader of the League of Assassins and one of the most enduring Batman villains. Vince McMahon, like Ra’s is the head of an organization of warriors and seemingly ageless puppet-master. Not to mention they both have vaguely evil, manipulative daughters. Also, remember how ripped Vince used to be? He could totally kick Liam Neeson’s ass back to Ballymena.
9. Dana Brooke – Black Cat
Dana Brooke has to play a superhero at some point. Just look at those freakin’ arms! The woman looks like the cover of a comic book every time she flexes. On top of the excellent physique, in the few moments she’s allowed to shine, Brooke has displayed some descent acrobatic skills that could work perfectly in the role of Felicia Hardy. However, if her statistician promos are anything to go off of, she may need a few acting lessons first.
8. Stephanie McMahon – Elisa Sinclair/Madame Hydra
I know. I know. How can I make Vince Ra’s and not make Stephanie Talia al Ghul? Because Talia is a good character with likable qualities, and that doesn’t really fit the Billion Dollar Princess. I’m sure the real Stephanie McMahon is an amazingly wonderful person, but her character on TV is a, “filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom-feeding trash bag…” well you get the point. Jericho’s words; not mine.
As Stephanie has caused so much pain and frustration for WWE fans, it seems only fitting she play a role in one of the most reviled story lines in Marvel history as the woman who brainwashed Captain America.
7. Dean Ambrose – Moon Knight
Despite being labeled as Marvel’s answer to Batman, Marc Spector is a unique and interesting character in his own right. Raised from death by the Egyptian god Khonshu, there’s been some ambiguity as to whether the god is real of Marc is simply suffering from schizophrenia. The Lunatic Fringe could expertly capture the intensity of the character offset by his creeping madness. Ambrose would bring the right balance of manic violence and humanity the character needs to be both absurd and grounded.
6. Ember Moon – Vixen
Mari Jiwe McCabe was an African girl who lost her parents at a young age; her mother to poachers and her father to her uncle, General Maksai. Maksai was searching for the Tantu Totem, which imbued the possessor with the power of any animal, but only if they intended to protect the innocent with the power. McCabe is not only ferocious and powerful given the animal nature of her abilities, but also incredibly beautiful, as she was a once a model in New York.
Ember Moon is all of those things; beautiful yet animalistic and raw. The War Goddess persona is basically our modern Boudica, and there’s a power in her mere presence. Vixen was intended to be the first African, female superhero to get her own starring run in the 70’s, but it was cancelled during the DC implosion in 1978. Since female heroes seem to be the only thing DC can get right, I say let Ava DuVernay and Patty Jenkins collaborate on this one and create a movie so eye-opening and progressive it’ll be more inappropriate to make fun of than This is America.
5. Brock Lesner – Eddie Brock
As Dolph Lundgren continues to age we can safely start recasting all his parts with Brock Lesner. Except the re-make of Rocky IV, which will be gender swap with Bayley and Jazzy Gabert (If you don’t know who Jazzy is, do yourself a favor and look up the greatest female wrestler not currently in the WWE). Brock is a dead-ringer for Eddie, right down to the blonde crew cut. Though, much like Eddie Guerrero, this Eddie went through a mullet phase that we all politely ignored.
Brock wouldn’t even need much CGI for the transformation into Venom as the man is already as jacked as a car with a blowout. This is a key feature missing from the Topher Grace version that was basically a watered down Carnage. What Sam Reimi did to Venom should be a cardinal sin.
4. Nia Jax – Big Barda
Mr. Miracle and his wife Big Barda are some of the best comics you’re probably not reading. Barda was essentially an avatar for Jack Kirby’s wife. While Kirby was a powerful man, his wife was the more dominating figure in their relationship. So to is Barda the more physically dominating of the pair. Not only is she one of the largest women in the DC universe she’s also a model of power, loyalty, and honor.
It takes someone special to fill Barda’s boots… someone who isn’t like most girls. Barda is a character that is as unique as Nia Jax in her strength and beauty; both women pillars of power and grace. There are few characters as that are as suited to each other as these two.
3. Braun – Lobo
Ther were rumors the Rock was gonna play Lobo in an R rated movie. Yes, please. I love the Main Man. In fact, I cosplay as him three times a year at Comic-Con. There’s not a character nearer to my heart than that bad bastich. Whether he’s kicking Superman’s butt or saving space dolphins, Lobo is my spirit animal. Suffice it to say I was loathe to pass the mantel onto someone else. However, there is one more worthy than even myself… (honestly, I’m only 5’7″ and make apathetic Lobo).
BBBRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!! Hope I spelled that right… Braun Strowman is a monster. Shocker, I know. But it takes a monster to play a monstrous character. Everything about Lobo is over the top just like Braun. If you’re down for a bit of the ol’ ultraviolence like me droogey Alex, then Braun’s your guy.
Hell, Braun has already proved proficient with a chain and hook, Lobo’s signature weapon, when he pulled the scaffolding down on Brock and Kane. Just loan him one of Taker’s Harleys and some KISS makeup and we’re set.
2. Kane – Etrigan
Gone, gone the form of man… RISE THE DEMON ETRIGAN!! I love doin’ that…
Who better the play DC’s favorite demon than Hell’s favorite demon, Kane? Glenn Jacobs already has one of those Ron Pearlman mugs you just wanna cover in prosthetics so you don’t have to look at it. Therefore, it wouldn’t take much to slap him in a latex mask and let him menace evildoers. We’ll just have to get Finn to play Jason Blood.
1. Paul Heyman – Penguin
Do I really need to spell this one out? Just look at the man. Forget Burges Merdideth (that hurts to say) and Danny DeVito, Paul captures the vileness and class of the Penguin perfectly. While the Penguin isn’t a physical threat his cunning and ruthless nature make him dangerous enough to be a Batman mainstay. Heyman also, usually has a cabal of thugs to do his bidding. I mean those “I’m a Paul Heyman Guy” t-shirts are basically henchmen uniforms.
Bonus: Luke Harper – Alan Moore
I can’t even make a photoshop for this one… I mean what the hell would I change?
Which superstars would you cast as superheroes? Let us know on Twitter HERE or in the comments below. Follow me on Twitter HERE and Instagram HERE. Until next time, I’m out like a fat kid in dodge ball.
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