It’s that time of year when all of us who Rage-quit on the WWE Network have to re-subscribe because Wrestlemania is coming! So, like we do every year to honor the season, we’ve been holed up in our office for a week watching every single Wrestlemania. Delirium set in around day two when the Funyuns ran out. It got dark. But after we calmed down and took Andy out of the crockpot we got to talking about how amazing the spectacle of Wrestlemania truly is. Cards for past Wrestlemanias were filled to the brim with future Hall of Famers and the action rarely disappoints.
However, while watching some of these aforementioned legends lock-up in their heydey we realized these PPVs could have looked much different had the wrestlers never found their most memorable gimmicks. What would some of the greatest Wrestlemanias of all time have looked like had the wrestlers involved been working with their old gimmicks? Would Wrestlemania VI have been as legendary if it was Thunderlips vs. the Dingo Warrior instead of Hulk Hogan vs the Ultimate Warrior?
So, let’s examine what Wrestlemania XV coulda been if the wrestlers had never found their current personas.
1. Bob ‘Sparkplug’ Holly def. Leif Cassidy and Billy Gunn
Buying Bob Holly as a car enthusiast wasn’t hard to do. Buying him as a happy babyface was too big a stretch of the imagination. Bob Holly is the what JBL would be like without the backstage clout. The sparkplug gimmick was a holdover from the days when every wrestler had to have a day job but it never really suited Hardcore Holly the way being a brutal, uncompromising jerk did.
In this first matchup, we see the NASCAR reject taking on Leif Cassidy of the New Rockers and Billy Gunn of the Smoking Gunns in a Hardcore Championship match. However, due to the sterile nature of these personas the most hardcore move we’ll see all night is a scoop slam on the outside of the ring. Al Snow’s took the name for his Lief Cassidy gimmick from Leif Garrett and David Cassidy; two 1970’s teen idols. Taking your fighting persona from a member of the Partridge Family isn’t exactly intimidating.
Then there’s Billy Gunn in the Smoking Gunns. I always liked the Smoking Gunns, but as a child, I had no idea which was Bart and which was Billy. Billy was a great hand but always better as a team and always kinda just… there. So let’s break it down. We got a NASCAR driver vs a 1970s teen heartthrob vs a forgettable cowboy. If we were marketing Wrestlemania exclusively to baby-boomers, this may be the match of the night. Just add Ric Flair… They all remember Ric Flair.
2. Double J & ‘The Rocket’ Owen Hart def D’Lo & TJ Thunder
This… This is gonna be a rough one. This was Owen’s last Wrestlemania as we’d lose him only two months after this PPV. On top of that somber note, most of these guys just played variations of themselves/the same gimmick their whole career, so the match wouldn’t look terribly different… except for one key thing: D’lo.
Jeff Jarrett has always been Jeff Jarrett. You could say his country music gimmick or his misogynistic persona were separate gimmicks. However, it’s like Jericho where the change is subtle enough to still be within character while giving us a whole new facet of the gimmick. For the sake of this match though we see Double J coming to the ring in his country singer persona flanked by his bodyguards, Southern Justice (the repackaged Godwins). His partner and co-champion is half of the dynamic tag team High Energy: Owen Hart. If you don’t remember High Energy, it was Owen and Koko B. Ware in checkerboard patterns and more neon than an early 90’s aerobics video.
Tonight the arrogant musician and the neon blur defend their titles against TJ Thunder and the Gangstas’ head of security D’Lo. Think about that for a second. The Gangstas had New Jack in it, so anything they needed security from must have been truly terrifying. Since D’Lo was in charge of that duty, it’s safe to say the Smokey Mountain Wrestling incarnation of his character was a bit more hardcore than the WWE version. So while Double J may be flanked by some large rednecks, D’Lo will have New Jack and Mustafa Saed with baseball bats in his corner. That may be enough to change the outcome here. New Jack often forgets he’s in a wrestling match and ends up attempting murder in the ring.
Oh, then there’s Test’s old gimmick TJ Thunder. Honestly, Test had three gimmicks during his two years on the indies and I can’t find a thing on any of them. Looks like all his personas were equally forgettable.
3. Butterbean def Bart Gunn of the Smoking Gunns
Same match only funnier because Bart woulda been knocked out while sporting a mullet and handlebar mustache.
4. Cactus Jack def The Giant
This might be the best match of the night. An agile Big Show vs Mick Foley when he still had a death wish. I’m marking out just thinking about the bumps Cactus would have taken to put over the young star as a brutal monster. Plus, if you don’t remember, go watch Big Show when he was younger. He was similar to Braun, insanely agile for that size.
Just picture a young Big Show, with long flowing locks, heading to the top rope to deliver an elbow to the outside through a table. I’d pay to see that and it woulda made for a hell of a Wrestlemania moment. The match ended in DQ when Show chokeslammed Mankind through two chairs. Had it been Cactus Jack it woulda been a hardcore match ending with Show chokeslamming Jack off the stage into a trash bin full of thumbtacks and medical waste.
5. Brian Armstrong def. The Natural Dustin Rhodes, Ken Shamrock, & Glamour Boy Sean for the IC Title
This could potentially be a bathroom break match. While the Road Dogg and Goldust are captivating, Brian Armstrong and Dustin Rhodes are not. Go look up Brian Armstrong in WCW looking like every jobber on an early 90s episode of WWF Superstars. There’s there’s Dustin.
While Dustin Runnels the best wrestler in his family, he’s the least interesting when playing himself. Dustin Rhodes is basically Dusty turned down to a respectable volume, and who wants that. Being loud and slightly obnoxious is part of the Rhodes charm.
Tonight those two bastions of bland will not only be facing each other but UFC champion Ken Shamrock (he had no previous gimmick so we’re going with the fighter as opposed to the wrestler) and half of the WWC Canadian Glamour Boys, Glamour Boy Sean (Val Venis). We’re all familiar with Ken’s pre-WWE career of brutalizing people in the octagon, but most of us aren’t familiar with Val’s pre-WWE work.
Before the internet, the only place to see wrestlers was WCW or WWE for most of us. So, Val’s appearance in WWE was the first time most of us saw the pompous porn star but he had made his name in AJPW and WWC out of Puerto Rico. As Glamour Boy Sean, Val wore a lot of fringe and had bleached blonde hair. He was like an uglier Tyler Breeze. If anyone can find a good picture of this, please share. All I could find was pictures of Sean Morley higher than Willie Nelson at Snoop Dogg’s house on April 20th.
So we’ve got 2 bland expert wrestlers from wrestling families vs a buff pretty boy and very dangerous mixed martial artist. Gimme Ken to end three wrestling careers early and walk away with the belt. What a scary and unstable man.
6. Isaac Yankem DDS def Terra Ryzing
No. no. Don’t leave. This is why we’re here. Shhh. This is why we’re here.
This would have been a squash match on Superstars in between video packages of Shawn Michaels posing with a fanny pack and Bobby Heenan annoying Gorilla Monsoon. Kane vs HHH is always a match Kane is destined to lose, and he only won this match via DQ with Trips standing tall. However, an evil dentist vs a big-nosed dude in 1980s Ric Flair wig is a different matter.
The guy with the most interesting gimmick always went over. That way you can sell more toys to the kids. It’s all about marketing. You don’t think Big E is hocking Booty-O’s because they taste good? They’re literally named after a butt and we’re buying them for our children to eat.
As much crap as I wanna give the Isaac Yankem character, it was just a matter of bad timing. Had it been the 80s a giant evil dentist would be the perfect villain for kids to hate. Plus his size would have made him a formidable adversary to Hulk Hogan. Imagine how different wrestling history would have been if one of the greatest rivalries ever was between the Hulkster and Issac Yankum DDS.
7. Sable def Terri Power
Sable was always Sable. Sable is also Brock Lesnar’s wife and therefore not subject to any jokes or ridicule. In fact, Imma just end this entry here and not risk being mangled by the Beast.
Oh yeah, Tori is an actual wrestler and started her career in 1988. In 1990 she joined Ladies Professional Wrestling Association as Terri Power and would eventually win their main title.
So you decide whether a real wrestler would beat a model. I’m not touching anything having to do with Mrs. Lesnar.
8. Shane McMahon def 123 Kid
Though Shane has just made his heel turn, we’ll say young, spoiled brat Shane and older, dad Shane are two different characters. However, he was still up to his bratty goodness here, but instead of getting X-Pac he’ll be taking on the 123 Kid. This is actually a more interesting match when you think about it.
True X-Pac is small for a wrestler (the dude is still 6’1″), he’s still booked strong enough to run wild over Shane. However, the 123 Kid is an inexperienced, scrappy, underdog. Shane is 6’2″ and outweighs Waltman by 15 lbs. You could tell an amazing story of Shane trying to arrogantly prove he’s a good wrestler by beating up a smaller man, with the help of the Mean Street Posse on the outside.
Kid could have every hope spot squashed by the Posse before scoring the roll-up victory, not dissimilar to the surprise victory over Razor that established Waltman in the first place. If the Fyre Festival documentaries prove anything, it’s that we love seeing rich people fail. This one would have been glorious, full raw emotion, and incredibly satisfying.
9. The Master of Pain def Big Bubba
Let’s all be honest with ourselves a little bit. We love the Undertaker, but he’s a bit of an edgelord. The Master of Pain character was no different and arguably the precursor to this American Badass gimmick. The edgy dark characters really appeal to the brooding middle schooler in all of us desperately trying to be cooler and tougher than we are.
Take one look at Mark Calaway in a spiked choker and tell me that isn’t the definition of trying too hard. The Master of Pain was an ex-con character with the same background as Nicholas Cage in Con-Air and debuted down in Memphis feuding with Jerry Lawler for the USWA Unified World Heavyweight Champion. The character wasn’t anything special, but seeing the Undertaker in a persona that moves around the ring quickly and violently was interesting after years of his slow and calculated movements.
Though he’s an ex-con, sadly the Master of Pain won’t be facing off against the Big Boss Man, but rather the silent bodyguard of Jim Cornette, Big Bubba Rogers. Just imagine Big Boss Man but quiet and dressed like a Jazz musician or the bad guy in an Olsen Twin movie.
This probably would have been a good old-school southern wrestling match. But could you imagine talking about the Master of Pain’s Wrestlemania streak, though? Some things really do work out for the best in the end.
10. Stunning Steve Austin def Rocky Maivia
Well, between Steve’s stunning golden hair to Rocky’s curly poodle poof at the front of his head there’d definitely be a lot more hair. The only reason this match would go on last is to allow the majority of the people to get home before 10 and get the kids to bed. I wouldn’t watch this match even if it was directed by James Gunn and Sam Cooke was playing in the background the whole time.
Rocky Maivia sucked. Seriously. He just plain sucked. He was gonna be a babyface with a wrestling legacy just like a Von Erich, but we were bored with that noise. There’s a recurring theme with wrestlers of this era. Many had gimmicks that were a holdover from the previous era and as we moved into the Attitude Era, these persons were no longer welcome. Rocky was a happy-go-lucky All American and we were sick of it.
Austin, as part of the Hollywood Blondes, was the standard arrogant heel, and while he did stand out a bit, it wasn’t until ECW that he learned to work a mic. So, standard arrogant heel Austin w/ blonde hair vs the super pumped and happy college football player. I had to take a nap just writing that out I was so bored.
Comments.
Loading comments…